


drowning again

by AquaAmaryllis



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Mental Health Issues, Multi, References to Depression, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, feelings are hard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:54:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29467578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AquaAmaryllis/pseuds/AquaAmaryllis
Summary: Cana would like for it go down the record that daddy issues are painfully common in this guild and so she'd like everyone to stop looking at her like she's grown a second head. She's fine, perfectly fine.Nevermind that it's her second trip to the hospital for alcohol poisoning.
Relationships: Cana Alberona/?, Mostly undecided, Natsu Dragneel/Lisanna Strauss, Natsu Dragneel/Lucy Heartfilia
Kudos: 4





	1. drowning again

**Author's Note:**

> So here's my character study (or something?) on one of my all time favorite Fairy tail character. Cana is probably the most underrated characters of the whole manga/anime and I love her to bits. I'm not sure if this will turn into into a two-shot or maybe a bit longer but I doubt I'll manage to update this often since I'm concentrating on my other works and barely manage to update for those so...
> 
> disclaimer: fairy tail belongs to Hiro Mashima, the lyrics to Alec Benjamin.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or, the life of Cana Alberona is one mess over the other.

**_drowning again_ **

_Let go now cause he's leaving_

_But she'd be fine pretending_ _things were alright_

_Even while its ending keep it inside_

* * *

**_Once upon a time..._ **

Cana is five when she _finally_ manages to convince her mother to teach her magic. They don't have enough money for a tutor so instead, her mama buys her a cheap deck of cards and teaches her the basics.

Card magic is more practical than powerful or flashy and the paint on the cards is kind of faded, but it still makes her smile till it hurts.

"Mama, can I ask you a question?" She asks out of the blue, interrupting her mother who was reading a book. There's no image in it, but Cana still loves to hear her mother's stories, she always changes her voice and even makes silly faces while reading them. The kind the babysitter never makes the rare times she accepts to read her stories.

"Of course sweetheart, what is it?" Her mother then takes another sip of that thing that looks like juice but isn't. The old man at the store told her it wasn't for children like her, she thought it was mean but it made mama laugh so it's fine. Cana loves her laugh almost as much as she loves her.

In Cana's world, it's just her and her mother. Always her mother.

"Why don't I have a daddy like Hana?" Something in the woman's eyes seems to break, but she continues talking not seeing, not _understanding_. "She's always bragging about it and he's always coming to get her at the parc! He brings gifts and twirls her around like the princesses in the books you read!"

"Of course you have a dad Cana, he just... he's not around, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you very much," Cornelia pushes the guilt aside as she passes a hand through the young girl's short, choppy hair.

Cornelia is the type of woman who smokes too much and loves a good drink, not forgetting her foul language. It's really a wonder she managed to be such a good mother to Cana. Sometimes she remembers her parent's disappointed faces as they kicked her out _('cause she was just so young and barely had any money and where the hell is the father?)_

"We both love you so, so much. You're our precious baby girl how could we not?" Cana giggles as her mother leave a sloppy kiss on her cheek. "Mom that tickles!"

"I love you too mommy! I love you more than anyone else! Maybe even more than dad, but that only cause he's never around! Don't tell him though! I don't want him to be jealous!" A small smile forms on the beautiful woman's face as she closes her and Cana's favorite fairy tale book. "Since I read that story so many times how about I tell you another one?"

"It's a story about a very complicated man who fought monsters and dark wizards..."

**_there was a little girl..._ **

She's a week away from her seventh birthday when her mother dies - soft smile, shining eyes, loving words and then...she's gone.

_(empty eyes and pale face and not moving, not breathing-!)_

After all, there's no medicine for the poor and her mother was too sick to work in her last few months. What little money Cana managed to steal in the market place is not enough (it never is), she cries for a whole week and the sky weeps with her. She leaves town the day after her birthday with what little money they had left, her cards, her mother's fairy tale book, a few pictures of herself with her mother as well as one of her father.

Sometimes Cana thinks she hates that man. Why wasn't he here with her mom? With _her?_

The landlady even lets her keep most of the money her mother owed her "Cornelia was a good person, I liked her. I believe she's in a better place now, take care child."

"Thank you so much, I swear I'll repay you one day." Her throat is still raw from the tears and wails, her eyes surrounded by dark circles from lack of sleep.

"Just come and visit when you find that father of yours, he made your mother happy for a while and I'm sure he'll take care of you." She clutches the rough fabric of her dress, trying very hard not to cry.

"I promise!"

She walks out of town with a wave and cheery smile which falls the moment she finds herself alone in the forest. The walk to Magnolia is a long one, three days to be exact. Which means she has to sleep on a parc bench for a night with nothing more than a sweater since the only hotel in the small town she stopped at to eat is full, at least it's summer she tells herself.

She misses her mom, with her stories and cigarette mixed with cheap perfume smell.

**_who loved her mother with all her heart..._ **

It's him, she _knows_ it is

The man in the photo, the man who made her mother smile with so much joy. _Her father._

The pain in her chest slowly turns into a warmer feeling and she just wants to run into his arms to cry, because her mama is _dead_ and her feet hurt and she still doesn't have a place to stay.

'It's me, it's Cana! I'm your daughter.' The words just won't come out as she stays still, almost like the earth stopped turning for a second. He laughs at a joke a man with dark blue hair just said, his fist banging on the wooden table harshly.

His hair is a few shades lighter than hers, his eyes darker and he has a lot of scars just like her mom told her.

"Dad..."

"And who might you be darlin'?" Oh right, she's blocking the passage entry. Blushing, Cana awkwardly enters to let the lady get in "I'm so sorry miss!"

"None of that 'miss' thing girl, call me Enno. Who are you? I'm pretty sure none of those shitheads over there have any child as cute as you." Enno is pretty, Cana decides, not beautiful like mama, but pretty. With purple eyes and hair that has some flowers in it.

"A-Actually I'm-" Cana is interrupted by the same man she was about to talk about. "Yo Enno! I haven't seen you in forever!" He's taller than she imagined, it makes her feel so insignificantly small.

"Of course you haven't Gildarts. You've been gone for eight months, you idiot!" A million ideas fill her mind, what would he do when he sees her? Her favourite scenario by far is the one where he sees her behind Enno's legs and picks her up in his arms, holds her tightly and never lets go of her ever again.

"Haha I guess I have, time sure flies by. Wait a minute, Enno is that little girl..? No way! You're a mother now?!" He...doesn't recognize her, does he? She's not as heartbroken as one would think, just exhausted and lost.

Then, she's angry. Because what about her mother? Her loving and beautiful mom?

"Of course not! How stupid can you get? She's clearly at least five or six years old and was just going to tell me her name when you interrupted us!" Enno's face goes bright red, she's pretty sure blood vessels might pop.

"Cana. My name is Cana," her whole body feels numb, lips moving on their own without thinking about anything else.

"Cana. That's a cute name and...are you feeling alright? You're white like a sheet, want to sit down?" After three days of sleeping either on the streets or in cheap motels, walking miles and miles, barely eating anything, this was the final blow.

Cana's body finally gives out, the last things she hears being very unmanly screech.

_**and left on a quest...** _

When she wakes up three days later, he's already gone. She naturally blames the tears on a headache, only half lying.

Enno offers her a place to stay for a few weeks, having realized she was basically homeless. She doesn't ask and Cana is grateful for it.

Cana likes Enno, a lot. She's kind and smells like her mom used to.

So when weeks turns into months and still sleeping on that couch, Cana is ecstatic. She even gets a pretty orange dress for Christmas and cries for like an hour. It's not her father, but it's the closest thing she can have right now.

Enno even managed to convince the master, to let her join the guild. Well more or less, she still can't do the high paying jobs alone like Enno and Macao can. The master always ruffle her hair and tells her she'll be allowed to go when she is ten.

She really loves the old man, her grandparents on her mother's side died when she was a baby so she guesses this is the closest thing she'll get. He's kind and always plays with her, she almost forgets that he _already_ has a grandson to care about.

Even if Laxus is the member closest to her age they don't really talk. He's grumpy and his dad kind of scares her. Even if she'd never tell the master that, it'd probably break his heart.

The life of a glorified charity case is truly exhausting.

_**to find her father.** _

After a few months of being the only child at the guild, except Laxus cause he's already _eleven_ and doesn't count, another one joins the guild. Gray's almost a whole year younger than her, but she finally get's a friend and doesn't care. Not an adult who takes pity on her, a _real_ friend. He even trains with her and helps her make a few cards with ice attacks.

At first he doesn't say much, his eyes empty like he's lost, but she's sure hers are the same so it doesn't matter. He doesn't wear much clothes or smile often, but when he does it's _beautiful._

She sleeps at least a few nights a week at his place, telling him it's to leave some intimacy to Enno and Macao. In truth she just find his bed comfortable and likes to cuddle with him.

She hears him crying one night when he thinks she's sleeping and slowly takes a hold of his hand, his eyes immediately meeting hers in shock.

"You're not very handsome when you cry, you know?" Her voice is soft, almost like she's afraid he would break from the sound of it and she shuffles closer to him underneath the covers.

"Shut up, the Gray never cries." She starts to rub circles on his bruised knuckles from training, trying to appease him. "Of course he doesn't, but he knows he can talk to plain old Cana if he needs to, right?"

He rips his hands away and Cana is afraid she hurt his ego or something, instead he wraps his arms around her tightly and weeps. Tears and snot land on her shoulder and hair as she draws random patterns on his back. He only squeezes her tighter, breath evening out after a few minutes, never letting go of her even in his sleep, she's not sure she wants him to.

"Goodnight Gray." A single kiss is left on his cheek as Cana falls asleep, her cheeks burning.

_**She met a boy...** _


	2. gasping for air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kids will be kids (wonderful and hurtful)

_**gasping for air** _

_I keep dragging around what's bringing me down,_

_if I just let go, I'd be set free._

_Holding on..._

_Why is everything so heavy?_

* * *

_**She met a boy...** _

Her father comes back after a little over seven months and she wants to run into his arms.

She doesn't, of course she doesn't. He doesn't come bearing gifts like Hana's father used to or give her a bear hug like her mother told her he often did with her. It's not his fault after all, he doesn't _know_. Maybe when he does he'll hold her in his arms like that, twirl her around like a little princess.

Instead of telling him, she looks from afar as others pat on the back and offer him a beer.

 _Later,_ she will tell him later.

"Yo Cana do you know who's he? Why is everyone making such a big deal about him?" Gray looks almost jealous and Cana feels her breath catch in her throat, "That's Gildarts, he's..." _my father_ "The strongest wizard in the guild besides the master. He's s-class."

"Oh that's right! I forgot you met Gildarts once, wasn't it the day you first came to the guild?" Wakaba joins their table, smoking a cigarette like always. "Yeah..."

"He doesn't look _that_ strong" Gray raises a brow looking at the man who was happily drinking some beer and fooling around.

"You shouldn't underestimate him kiddo, Gildarts could beat you with only his pinkie finger." Gray blushes when the table next to them begins to laugh, loud and crude, Cana for her part hides her smile behind her hand.

"No way! And you! You're supposed to be on my side!" He looks so very offended that she can't help the furious laugh escaping her lips.

"Hey! I remember you!" Cana immediately stops laughing and slowly turns around to face the man who was tables away a few seconds earlier.

"Enno told me you're living with her and joined the guild! You look taller! And less skinny, that's nice! Lara, right?" Her mouth refuses to move and she can practically hear her own breaking heart.

"Oi! It's Cana, _Cana_ you old man." Gildarts raises an amused brow in Gray's direction. "Cana, right sorry. Are the brats a new trend Wakaba? I thought we had enough with Laxus." That earns him a glare from Gray and Laxus who has now been wearing a cool lighting scar for a few weeks.

They still don't talk and the thought is fleeting, but he does look even more withdrawn and mad than when she first joined the guild.

"Gildarts, Wakaba come on! We're having a drinking contest!" Wakaba immediately gets up while Gildarts eyes meet Cana's lighter ones. _You're my father,_ of course the words refuse to leave her

"It was nice seeing you again Cana" Her hands start to shake under the table, thing Gray immediately notices. She refuses to meet his eye and stares at her father instead. "Yeah..."

"See you next time kid, you too Laxus." As she watches him walk away, Cana know he probably won't be there tomorrow and for at least a few months.

"Wait!" Her sudden voice earns her a few bewildered stares from the members of the guild who rarely saw her raise her voice. "Be careful..." Gildarts eyes widen before he grins and gives her a playful salute.

"Of course, you too Cana." Gray is silent as he stare at the unusual interaction and Cana's shaking hands.

"...You want to get out of here?" She simply nods her head and let's him lead her out of the guild and to the closest ice cream stand.

_**with empty eyes and a nice smile...** _

A whole year passes by and she doesn't manage to tell him. He's barely there and when he is she feels like the weight of the world rests on her shoulders, literally, like in that story her mom told her once.

Her shoulder are way too small for that burden.

There's a new girl at the guild, with a permanent frown on her face and flaming red hair. Gray won't stop complaining about her 'arrogant' attitude, that Cana knows he exaggerates beyond measure.

There's a grand total of five children at the guild now if you exclude Laxus, a girl with cute glasses named Laki and a boy named Max having joined a month after Gray. The adults always joke on about how it's her fault and she laughs every time.

She makes them laugh too, that's something, right?

Somehow she feels that Erza is different, she always answers with only nods of her head or two-letters words and is really cute. _Far from her plain brown eyes and hair,_ a small voice whispers and she pushes it away, after all envy is a bad habit.

Besides, Erza's nice. Weird but nice. She doesn't need to be told that the girl has seen... things, the retreated stance and occasional flinch when someone drops a familiar arm over her skinny shoulders speak for themselves.

It still hurts when Gray looks at her like she's hung the stars in the sky... - maybe she does like him as more than just a friend, like Enno teases her about sometimes.

It doesn't matter, it doesn't change anything after all _\- it does, it really does._

So she watches in matter of weeks - a month and four days, as Gray drifts away from her. Erza finally warms up to him, of course she does, while Cana drinks her orange juice and laughs at something Laki says.

"Do you...think maybe we could go get some ice cream?" Her voice shakes and he nods, sculpting a little fairy tail insignia out of ice.

"Yeah sure. Tomorrow maybe, I'm training with Erza this afternoon," Cana smiles awkwardly.

"Reedus promised me to go on a mission with me tomorrow, remember? You said you'd come." Something burns deep inside her chest and her hands tremble slightly so she hides them behind her back.

"Oh right, maybe some other time." Her eyes are burning too now, she wonders why. Just like she hid her hands, she hides that too and closes her eyes when she grins.

"Yeah sure."

She walks away, decides to leave the guild hall early. Still she gives a quick hug to Enno and Macao who furrows his brows curiously. Her lips are pulled into a big smile until she reaches her home (she wonders when Enno's apartment became her home) it slowly falls as she sit down on the couch she still sleeps on.

Slowly, her hands start quiver as she takes out an old book out of her trusted bag. Her mother's fairy tale's book. Cana gently strokes the cover, the silky texture filling her with nostalgia.

"Once upon a time, a kind king a queen who wanted a child more than anything were blessed ..." Her throat constricts as she starts to read out loud the first story of the book, "with the child they so desperately wanted, for the little g-girl's christening they invited the whole kingdom, all ex-except one."

The first tear falls as her lower lip tremble, a sound resembling a dying animal leaving her throat. The book falls to the ground as the child curls up on herself crying, her whole body spasming. It hurt, everything fucking _hurt._

She misses going get ice cream with Gray, curling in his bed at night after a sleepover, Cana missed _him._

She wants things to get back to normal. For her father to look at her, for him to twirl her in his arms like Hana's father used to do when he picked her up from school.

Most of all, she wanted her _mom._

Her loving and caring mom that left too soon and makes her feel so, so empty when Cana thinks about her-

She cries some more and swears to herself that she will feel better later. She just needs ten minutes, ten minutes to be okay again.

Confused, alone and so very sad, Cana falls asleep

Waking up, she was glad to see Enno wasn't home yet. Cleaning herself up and putting her beloved book back in her bag before making dinner, Enno the one having taught her the basics.

"Oh Cana you didn't have to do that." Cana rolls her eyes good-heartedly at Enno's disapproving look, a shiny stone catching her attention for a second.

"You know I like cooking," it kept her mind away from stupid friends, idiot fathers and dead mothers.

"Even so..." Cana filled to plates with rice and vegetables looking at what was left of the food. "Is Macao eating here tonight? I made enough for three if you don't mind skipping seconds."

"He isn't. Besides I'm starving so I'm not sacrificing that plate to _him_." Cana giggled as she joined Enno at the table, the woman having already poured them drinks.

"Actually...I wanted to talk to you about something, you know just the two of us." Cana nods as she begins to eat, crying having made her so very hungry. "Sure."

"Before that, is Gray still going on that mission with you and Reedus tomorrow?" Cana harshly took a bite of the food on her plate, teeth clenching.

"I doubt it." Enno winced and Cana felt like apologizing for her rudeness, so she did. "I know it must be hard for you to see him spend more time with that other girl, try not to get too jealous though, okay?"

Jealous? Enno thought she was jealous? She wasn't. Why in the _world_ would Cana be jealous? He was the one being an ass these last few weeks. He had no right to treat his friend that way!

Perhaps she was a bit jealous. Maybe. Enno didn't have to treat her like a dramatic child because of it.

"Sure," she twirls a vegetable with her fork. "Your hair's getting pretty long huh? Do you want me to cut it?"

"Nah. I like it that way." Cana shrugged making Enno giggle. "It does suit you well. Mind helping me with the dishes?" They talked about their respective days while cleaning things up in the kitchen.

"Wait. Before you go take a shower do you think we could talk?" Enno asks taking place on the sofa while closing the lacrima television.

"Right, of course. You mentioned that earlier," the woman lits herself a cigarette, nervously tugging at her own hair.

"Look Cana the thing is that I... you know what screw that. I had a simple little speech planned out, but it just sounds so fake now." Cana raises a curious brow, purple-ish eyes meeting Enno's darker ones.

"I care about you girl, I care a lot if I'm being honest. It's been what, a year and half? Since you began living with me? And I guess I kind of got used to it, you're a good kid." It's been nineteen months and thirteen days, but Cana doesn't interrupt simply staring curiously.

"Growing up I never had any siblings, but I guess that's probably how it feels like. Or maybe like having a daughter, I'm not sure." Cana's heart jumps in her throat at the confession. She's not sure why, but her eyes are burning again and yet she's happy. So very happy.

"God knows I'd make a horrible mother, but I think that you may feel the same way as I do..?" Cana can't stop herself from finally speaking up "You'd make a wonderful mother Enno."

"I want you to know that I care Cana and I know that you've been through a lot, but I'm...I'm really happy that I met you," they're both crying now, but Cana's the only one who's smiling.

She even forgets about her mom for a second, and her father _\- can she really call him that?_

"Nothing is ever going to change that. If our shitty guild ever thought me anything it's that you keep family close ...but lately things have changed." That's not good is it?

"It's...Well, I... Macao asked me to marry him... and I said yes" Cana's smile finally drops and for some reason she feels numb.

_Oh. Of course there is no place for poor little orphan Cana in that plan is there?_

_**who made her cry very much...** _

Her new place is rather nice, she thinks. Dark colors and stuffy smell excluded. Enno helps her move in, the conversations between them short and cordial.

She tries to not be too bitter, hurt. _She fails, miserably_

Enno promises to come visit soon and leaves a kiss to her forehead. Her eyes holding all the guilt of the world. "Yeah, sure. Thanks again for the money, I'll give it back to you one day."

"You don't have to do that kid, you're still eight years old after all! Here take this!" A small pouch of jewels is left in her hands "That should be enough to pay some ice cream for you and Gray! Why don't you invite Erza too?"

Way to put salt on a wound. But she knows Enno is trying so she puts on her most convincing smile. "That's a good idea! Thanks!"

"I'll pass by when I come back from that mission! Don't miss me too much!" What she doesn't say is that a week or two away from Enno is exactly what she needs.

The room falls silent after the woman's departure and Cana sighs, staring at her father's picture. He hasn't been home for almost nine months now and her birthday is approaching. She has enough money from small missions to buy herself a train ticket. Maybe she'll go back to her birth village, she hadn't been there since well...

_Her mom._

She doesn't get any visit until a week and half later, well visit is a pretty respectable way of putting it.

"Cana! Cana! It's me Gray! Open the door! Canaa!" She ignores the way her hair curls and sticks out in every way possible as she slams the door open.

"What the fuck Gray?! It's half past midnight!" His face is tired she notes, his dark eyes surrounded by slightly purple hues.

"I really needed to talk to you! I know it's late, but I couldn't sleep because of it and-" She sighs before taking a hold of his wrist to drag him inside. "Talk, but please stop screaming. You're going to wake the lady next door."

"Why are you living here?" She almost flinches, almost. "Enno and Macao are getting married. But you already knew that. They told the guild like three days ago, I know you were there."

"Well yeah, but... I thought you were still living there..." She pours herself a glass of milk, offering one to Gray who awkwardly nods. "Didn't want to intrude on them, Enno still visits a lot. Besides at least now I have my own room."

"You're still young though..." Cana frowns, Gray was an idiot and she wished he'd just go away. _Lie_ "You're like a year younger and you've been living alone for months."

"It's not the same thing, you could get hurt." He almost expects her to agree, to bend to his will like always. She doesn't, not this time.

"Why? 'Cause I'm a girl or because I'm weak?" His cheeks flush, panicked he furiously shakes his head. "No! Of course not! That's not what I'm saying! Why are you acting so... distant?"

"I think you should leave Gray." He practically snarls as he stands up, temper flaring. "You can't just do that! Stop ignoring me, I'm your best friend!"

"Are you?" She's tired and Gray is stopping her from going back to bed "Of course I am! Why are you taking out whatever problems you have out on me?! You're not being fair."

She's not.

"Leave Gray, I won't ask again." It feels like they are so much older, fighting like this in the middle of her kitchen. He's taller than her now, she notes.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He looks resigned now, yet still confused. Guilt takes a hold of her little by little. "I could have helped you move in or whatever."

"...You didn't ask" Her hair is down for once and falls into her eyes. "When was the last time we talked Gray? You've been pretty busy."

"Cana I-" _didn't know you were having a hard time. I'm sorry, so sorry -_ He doesn't get to say it, the girl shaking her head slowly.

"I'm not doing this tonight Gray. Either you go home or..." She frowns her eyes looking away from his. "I don't have a couch or futon yet, but we can share my bed."

"A sleepover sounds nice." There's something that almost sounds like hope in his voice. "No undressing yourself or I'm kicking you out Fullbuster."

"Wouldn't dream of it." They don't talk about it the next morning and she goes back to hanging out with Laki and Max while he stays with Erza, but this almost seems like a peace treaty of some sort.

**_without ever meaning to._ **

There's barely a cloud in the sky as Cana walks the busy streets of her hometown.

She meets a few kids she used to play with, a few of them were even kind enough to say hello to her. The only person she's truly happy to see however is her old landlady, the one that had been her mother's friend

"I'm so glad to see you, child. Are you going to see your mother?" The child nods, backpack heavy on her back. "That's good, feel free to sleep at my place for a few days if you want..."

"I can't stay much, I'll leave tomorrow but if you really don't mind I'd love to stay for the night." The elderly woman immediately brightens, clapping her hands together. "Great I'll make some pasta and you can tell me all about this guild of yours, I'm assuming you want to go visit your mother before that?"

"Yes, thank you very much for the offer miss Khan." The woman's aging face turns into a frown as she put away the money Cana owed her. "Don't worry about it dear, but how about you call me 'gran' like you did before? It would make me very happy."

It's like flowers blossom in her ribcage.

"Sure!.. I'm glad to be here and... sorry for not coming to visit last year." A wrinkled hand gently caressed the side of the child's face. "I'm just glad you did."

"Such a sweet child that girl is." The landlady shakes her head as the girl skips away towards the main street.

"Would you like some roses sweetie?" The florist is a young lady with a cheery smile that immediately puts Cana at ease.

"Actually I'd like that bouquet over there" The woman sends her off with a smile and sunflower matching her orange dress in her hair, for free!

The cemetery is quiet, peaceful in a way.

"Hi mom it's been a while...I'm almost nine now, y'know?" She softly kneels to the ground, brushing the dirt off the tombstone.

"I'm not sure if I'll do anything this year for my birthday, I didn't last year since you know... I couldn't, not without you, It hurt too much." She lets out a weak chuckle. "I'm sorry I didn't come visit last year I just... I was a shitty daughter, I was mad and sad and... I should still have come, you deserved better than that mom and I'm sorry, so sorry."

"I met dad y'know? Like three times and he doesn't even _recognize_ me. I couldn't tell him, I was too scared."

"I guess in some way I'm glad, If he doesn't know I exist then he can't be a better parent than you right? He can't tell me stories before bed or accidentally spill wine in the food he's cooking like you. That's sick, right? For me to tell myself that, it's not very fair to him."

"He couldn't be better than you even if he tried anyway."

"Christmas was weird this year, the last one too, Enno was nice and she even got me this dress, but... It still sucked. Because she didn't burn the turkey or wrap my gift in that _horrible_ brown paper you used every year because it's the cheapest..."

Water falls to the earth and Cana looks up to the sky looking for rain, before realizing that the water didn't come from the clouds.

"I met a boy you know, his name is Gray and he's kind of my best friend? Well was, I'm not sure anymore. He has empty eyes and frowns a lot, but when he smiles it's beautiful. I made a few other friends too - everyone at the guild is _so_ nice, and I'm happy- and...and..."

"And I miss you...I miss you so damn much." The wind being the only witness of the single, heartbreaking, so terribly broken sob leaving the girl.

"I'll come back next year, maybe for Christmas too." The only traces of her visit being the tears on the ground and a bouquet of flowers is left on the grave, sunflowers and pink cornelias.

**_As time passed by..._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you may have noticed that I changed the timeline a bit. The only major changes are that Gray joins the guild a few months earlier and Erza escapes the tower of heaven a few months earlier. 
> 
> Basically it's been two years since Cornelia died and Cana joined Fairy tail, she didn't visit her mother's grave the year before that which was kind of a dick move even if she does feel guilty. Btw go check out my other Fairy tail fanfic if you're interested by time!traveling!Lucy fics.
> 
> disclaimer : I do not own Fairy tail nor the song used (yeah I love linkin park. sue me)


	3. desperately seeking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or, Cana is spiraling. (they say things can only get better, she doubts it)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer : Fairy tail belongs to Hiro Mashima, the song Whiskey Lullaby belongs to Brad Paisley ft. Alison Krauss. (there's some pronouns changed in the lyrics underneath, he to she and she to him(them))
> 
> warning : underage drinking, light references to death and unhealthy coping mechanisms. (all the good stuff)

**_desperately seeking_ **

_She tried to hide the whiskey on her breath_

_she finally drank her pain away a little at a time_

_but she never could get drunk enough_

_to get him(them) off her mind_

* * *

**_As time passed by..._ **

This time she's going to tell him.

After all, it can't be that hard right? There's still the childish hope that he'd love her, just like he had loved her mother.

_'Cause there's no way the man smiling so tenderly while looking at her mother on that picture wasn't in love with her-_

She always wears her hair up now, still wearing the dress Enno gave her on Christmas. She's gotten better at magic too! _So why wouldn't he love her?_

Cana watches as he drowns another shot a few tables away from the ones she's sharing with the new member with pretty blue hair. His hair is messy and shining like autumn leaves, a goofy smile on his chapped lips.

He has a new scar on his face she notes, it's pretty fresh resting on the left side of his forehead. It will fade, she tells herself. Gildarts is strong.

The reality of the situation starts to settle in. She suddenly feels the air rush out of her as she stares at him, he's here. He's actually here, not just a figment of her imagination or too good to be true daydream.

Levy has to pinch her arm to get her out of the trance she has fallen in.

"Like I was saying, what did you think about that book you borrowed?" Right, the book. Levy's smart, smarter than Cana ever could be and she has the sweetest of smiles. Cana likes her, she likes her a lot.

"It was nice, I didn't like the ending though." She shrugs, her gaze never leaving her father's form, afraid he would disappear.

"How come?.. wait where are you going?!" She stands up with all the assurance she can manage. "I need to do something, see ya later Levy!" She calls and hopes her voice doesn't crack.

"Hey look who's here! How are you doing kid?" She's given a hug from the two only women at the table who she knows find her adorable.

"I'm good, what about you guys?" Her voice trembles a bit, but they all either don't notice or ignore it much to her relief.

"Good, if you're looking for Enno she just went ho-home are you staying for dinner tonight?" Macao looks at her intensely, she knows he's still guilty about the whole moving out thing.

_(Cana's fine with it, she always is)_

_(she has to be)_

"Nah, Gray owes me some ice cream, maybe next week." Gildarts includes himself in the discussion and her hands shake. "Huh home? Isn't she living with Enno? What's this about Macao?"

"Hm... well you see I-" Macao is interrupted by a rough tap on the back. "He finally grew some balls and asked Enno to marry him!"

"Huh? No way, congratulations!" Right he didn't know about that.

"Haha, thanks man." She likes Macao, she really does. Doesn't mean she isn't a bit bitter about that little piece of history. _No she isn't, good girls are never bitter._ "So when are the kids for?"

"Kids? No way, not all of us are as old as you Gildarts!" Said old man pouts like a child, eyes gleaming. "Fuck you Macao, I'm still young!"

"Sure you are." She's talking with him, actually talking with her father... well kind of.

"Do you guys not want kids?" The one who asks is the blonde lady who's friends with Enno and loves to play with her hair - she's braiding it right now actually. "Not with all these missions I don't!" Wakaba laughs earning a strange look from Macao. 

"I don't know, I mean I guess we _have_ been talking about it..." She does whatever she can not to freeze, she has _no right_ to feel anything other than joy at the news.

"Wait really?!" Cana beams, picturing a heavily pregnant Enno. Motherhood would look good on her, she's sure of it. "No way! That's awesome!" The man nearly sighs in relief, not sure about how she was going to react. 

"Well I agree with Wakaba on this! I'm always traveling so a kid would be a bother. I like being the cool uncle better!"

_Oh._

_( She stills love him, she can't hate him. It's herself she starts to hate. Why isn't she enough? Why is she never enough?!)_

_**the little girl grew up...** _

A few years pass by and more kids join the guild, Cana starts to fall into the background.

She can't blame them. Between Erza who's getting stronger and stronger, the new kid Natsu who claims to have been raised by a dragon... she's far too plain to compare.

He comes back a few times a year, tells her a few casual words with sometimes a pat on the head that always ruffle her ponytail. 

She feels a part of herself withering away, every single time. _(Gray is right, she is a bit dramatic)_

Enno is now newly pregnant and that means that she has even less time to give to Cana. What kind of human being is jealous of an unborn innocent baby? She is apparently.

"What has you looking so glum, child?" Gramps is sitting on a stool next to her, a beer in hand that contrasts with the funny hat on his hand.

"Nothin'! With Levy and Gray away I'm just a little lonely!" Cana considers herself a good liar, Makarov however is better at reading people than what people give him credit for.

"Lonely huh..? Even with all those people around?" The guild is indeed full, Laki showing of a new trick to drinking adults proudly and Erza chasing after a terrified Natsu. The place is quite lively.

It always is. _(then why is she so empty when the guildhall isn't-?)_

"Just a bit," she admits, taking a sip of her vanilla milkshake. "When was the last time you visited Enno? The woman hasn't been at the guild much, Macao as well. They must miss you." She masks her flinch with a slightly awkward laugh.

"I try to avoid it as much as possible! Enno is one moody pregnant woman!" The master cracks a smile, amused. "She is, however I doubt that's the reason you're avoiding them."

Like always, he's right.

"I'm not. Enno's just been busy, her and Macao just moved into their new house so..." Not that she wants to prove him right. "Of course, just don't let it affect you too much child."

"Why do you choose to do it?" The questions leaves her lips before she can stop herself, gramps looking at her knowingly. "Choose to do what child?"

"...treat us like family. I mean...people in this guild have some issues. Like big issues and more than half the kids here are orphans and yet you..." There's hesitation in her voice as she stares at the newly started fight in the middle of the guild. "You welcome everyone here talking about a family and adventures."

She's still not sure if she believes it.

"People often have issues my child, it's sadly inevitable." Yeah, she had figured that one out. "That doesn't mean they don't deserve to feel welcomed or loved. Even if just a bit, Fairy tail makes them feel like they belong somewhere. That's the way I choose to run this guild, just like the ones before me did."

"But people don't always _deserve_ that kind of care or love, especially not so easily. You just give and give without asking in return it's-..." _stupid._

"It never is about deserving anything child, you either care or you don't. It's normal to love people even after they have done horrible things, that's just how things work." He never talks about why he kicked out his son out of the guild, but it must have been something big. 

"I choose to care. What about you, child?" The wrinkles on his face seem more prominent then before. 

"...I would still care about this guild even if I didn't want to." Perhaps, that's the problem.

_**until she found herself...** _

For the first time since she joined the guild, her father is there on the day of her birthday. 

Of course it's just a coincidence, that doesn't stop her bright, bright smile. There's no party, but she receives gifts from Enno, Gray and Levy. Gray even promises to go on a job with her, she still likes to think of him as her best friend.

Even if she's not his.

"Wait, it's your birthday? I didn't know that!" Gildarts laughs before ordering himself a beer and a juice for her. "It's not much, but here! Happy fourteenth birthday!" 

She grins and laughs as he pats her head before leaving to talk to some other adults. She sees him playing with Natsu and Lisanna later that day and smiles till her cheeks hurt.

She never tells him that she turned _thirteen_ and hates apple juice.

_**stuck between being...** _

She's thirteen almost fourteen, Cana goes on a job alone, a simple one about petty thieves.

_(It's not even her first, although she does like going with other people better. Gray is always fun to travel with, Lisanna and Elfman are so nice and Levy likes to read those cool books-)_

She ends up killing a man.

The blood on her hands smells like iron and she feels _sick_. Sick with herself because oh god, she just killed someone. His eyes are empty just like her mom's were and it's enough to make her throw up.

The employer who is an elderly lady looks at her with pity, telling her she was just defending herself so it's fine.

_It's not fine, it's not-_

She takes the money before walking back to the hotel room like a robot. She stares at herself in the mirror, bloodied dress, messy hair and all. Her tears mix with the burning water of her shower as she scrub her skin till it's a bright pink color.

She rips her favorite dress apart when she puts it back on and starts crying again.

She somehow ends up wearing a pair of leggings and the shirt she stole from Gray, her pajamas for the three-days trip. In some random tavern.

The man behind the counter doesn't ask for her age and simply serves her a beer.

It doesn't even taste _good_. Yet she ends up drinking several more along with something that tastes bitter, stronger, the man calls it whiskey.

She doesn't stop. She can't or she'll see that man's empty eyes again. _(and her mother, always her mother-)_

**_a child and a woman._ **

The music is so loud, she barely manages to hear her own thoughts.

Cana somehow had ended up in a pub near her apartment, hair let loose with a pair of short shorts and red low cut shirt. She manages to shove her way through the customers towards the bar. 

"Aren't you a little young to be here?" The bartender who looked to be a year or two older than her asked with what seemed to be a playful smirk. "What about you? Aren't you a bit young to work here?"

"Old enough to drink, not sure about you though." He's right, the legal drinking age in Fiore is fifteen years old and Cana turns fourteen in three weeks. 

He still serves her a beer.

"Not gonna stop me?" Pale hair falls over dark eyes as he looks at her from head to toe. "I doubt it's your first time drinking and you do look quite nice. It would be quite a shame for you to go home so soon"

"How kind," Cana rolls her eyes, lips twitching into an attempted smile as he attends to another customer.

"James' a flirt, but he's nice." A girl with bold red lipstick covered lips comes to sit next to her. "I'm Cary."

"Cana, is there some actual adults in this bar or..?" The girl rolled her eyes with a slightly mischievous smirk. "Yeah, they just don't really care. Did you think you were the first teen to go to place like these?"

"Nah, just wondering."

She talks with a few of the regulars and the cute bartender, it's all fun and drinking which Cana likes, a lot. They don't ask what she's doing there and she doesn't ask about their wives or kids.

Cary drags her in some sort of dance, limbs thrown around carelessly with yet another drink in hand. They dance and joke around, a few far too old man throwing the two girls glances.

Despite everything, it's enough for Cana.

**_Sometimes she wonders..._ **


End file.
